Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
