Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
