I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
