One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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