: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
