Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You're like the curious george of whores
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
