so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
