One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
