if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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