There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
