If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
