I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
