Texts From Last Night · AK25's Favorites

Sorry pppphar hasn't picked any favorites yet.

AK25's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(514): View more from Quebec

you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night

(514): View more from Quebec

i got kicked out last time for laughing

Fav 37 4003 923
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

Fav 39 7913 1452
share tweet

(423): View more from Tennessee

i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.

Fav 12 1635 3930
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

Fav 11 1872 1149
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

Fav 12 4141 1171
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

Fav 5 2496 915
share tweet

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed

Fav 11 3142 958
share tweet

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

Fav 11 3995 1479
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

Fav 12 4887 1067
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

(416): View more from Toronto

yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

(519): View more from Ontario

next time on intervention

Fav 1 2949 925
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

Fav 11 2921 1018
share tweet

(254): View more from Texas

Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be

(254): View more from Texas

Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54

Fav 5 1973 790
share tweet

(518): View more from New York

I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer

Fav 18 2481 982
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

Fav 20 8022 1076
share tweet

(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

Fav 5 2009 870
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

Fav 10 3290 1839
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

Fav 6 2634 1089
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.

Fav 16 2048 939
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman

Fav 6 2284 979
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.

Fav 12 1068 2444
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.

Fav 4 1340 1648
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6540 1353
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.

Fav 17 3338 1290
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

Fav 4 3469 1146
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

Fav 5 2817 1176
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day

(617): View more from Massachusetts

How about a mike?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Already had two of those

Fav 4 1797 903
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

Fav 21 4883 1370
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home

Fav 4 2091 880
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

Fav 5 3950 992
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

Fav 7 3088 958
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

Fav 5 2671 1285
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

Fav 16 2547 928
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.

Fav 5 2162 934
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.

Fav 3 2443 965
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.

Fav 9 2191 964
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.

Fav 2 2469 982
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.

Fav 2 2161 926
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?

Fav 6 1197 2060
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

Fav 6 2973 1009
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.

Fav 2 2008 897
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?

Fav 3 2535 778
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Fav 2 2852 1089
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers

Fav 10 1793 1179
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

Fav 4 3828 1121
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.

Fav 3 1862 1035
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

Fav 20 3453 1595
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable

(678): View more from Georgia

not having any beer money sounds even more miserable

Fav 3 2279 832
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college

Fav 10 3636 852
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.

Fav 3 1971 1011
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

Fav 4 2582 1305
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

Fav 3 4384 1149
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.

Fav 17 1236 3541
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.

Fav 7 3837 1124
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

Fav 17 5385 1051
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

Fav 16 3581 1310
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.

Fav 10 2236 1117
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

Fav 32 2141 6317
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

Fav 12 3858 1207
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.

Fav 4 2359 1189
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

Fav 4 3081 1218
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

Fav 10 4472 1461
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Blow your rape whistle

Fav 22 3332 1395
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

Fav 17 7816 1404
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

Fav 6 3177 1099
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

Fav 9 2336 1636
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

Fav 24 5634 2405
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

Fav 9 4434 1226
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.

Fav 10 1283 1979
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

Fav 5 4612 1220
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.

Fav 7 2918 1067
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

Fav 16 6985 1361
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

Fav 6 2723 1129
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

Fav 6 3404 1370
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.

Fav 11 2259 1247
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

Fav 4 3604 1725
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

Fav 9 6488 1282
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake

Fav 5 1079 2449
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

Fav 9 4902 1401
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3973 12930
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

Fav 35 1676 14431
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

Fav 86 3623 15828
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

Fav 122 3689 15935
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7731 42055
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49747
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

Fav 6 4214 1345
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?

(718): View more from New York

Keg backpack and a Bike

Fav 4 2010 1275
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me

Fav 9 3709 1257
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"

Fav 16 1789 984
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.

Fav 6 2543 1066
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.

Fav 2 1969 971
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

Fav 5 3362 1071
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

Fav 2 2539 1123
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

Fav 7 4438 1210
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

Fav 33 5109 1300
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

Fav 9 3049 1132
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.

Fav 8 2273 1267
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.

Fav 10 2465 832
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

Fav 12 2517 1081
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40363 3929
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39928 2450
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42080 2250
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

Fav 83 41221 2677
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53715 3601
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57263 7326
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59123 5679
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55478 5264
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64418 3037
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3433
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53656 6695
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

Fav 6 3521 1023
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

Fav 8 7167 1341
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

Fav 11 3702 1239
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

Fav 26 9661 1375
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?

Fav 4 1950 1098
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

Fav 20 6556 1321
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

Fav 9 3517 1200
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

Fav 6 3402 1220
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here

Fav 6 2209 2060
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

Fav 27 5040 1422
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

Fav 32 4312 1408
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.

Fav 7 4070 1036
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

Fav 13 3165 1011
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.

Fav 5 2821 1050
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

Fav 8 1556 2836
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm

Fav 6 2148 940
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

Fav 5 3332 1111
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

Fav 13 1569 2575
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

Fav 6 4377 1209
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

Fav 5 5192 1120
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

Fav 37 6107 1801
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

Fav 6 2636 1042
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

Fav 8 4087 1132
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

Fav 28 8679 1598
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

Fav 4 3729 1460
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

Fav 9 3185 984
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.

Fav 11 2503 1173
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

Fav 7 3676 1083
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Thanks, mom.

Fav 17 4401 1552
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5756 1341
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

Fav 11 2936 1233
share tweet
(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

Fav 9 5503 1194
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz

Fav 20 3263 1303
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

Fav 11 4338 1224
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

Fav 4 2090 2916
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50

Fav 6 3022 1073
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

Fav 7 2838 1152
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

Fav 7 4520 1065
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.

Fav 3 2374 856
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

Fav 8 4475 1581
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

Fav 9 4846 1296
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

Fav 13 4306 1303
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

Fav 9 3023 1506
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

Fav 7 3040 1286
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.

Fav 3 1144 2423
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.

Fav 9 2308 1211
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

Fav 16 5286 1391
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.

Fav 4 2567 1408
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

Fav 20 3789 2098
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

Fav 9 4625 1297
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

Fav 19 5576 1229
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.

Fav 8 2612 1216
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.

Fav 5 1085 1863
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

Fav 5 4296 994
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?

Fav 4 2070 1073
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

Fav 4 3297 1780
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

Fav 9 4241 1737
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

Fav 7 3625 1656
share tweet
(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

Fav 5 4774 1623
share tweet
(213): View more from California

The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.

Fav 4 2444 1029
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

Fav 3 4315 1288
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

Fav 14 5393 1677
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.

Fav 11 921 2772
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

Fav 12 5387 1235
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

Fav 9 1475 2702
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

Fav 3 2800 963
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

Fav 6 4264 1265
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.

Fav 5 2968 1043
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

Fav 15 4770 1261
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

Fav 15 5318 1393
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

Fav 7 3701 1048
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

Fav 9 4650 1491
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing

Fav 9 2699 1273
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

Fav 4 4560 1075
share tweet
(562): View more from California

He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome

Fav 6 2829 1013
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?

Fav 7 2546 2158
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?

Fav 8 2290 1271
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

Fav 16 1299 3537
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop

Fav 8 3258 1245
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

Fav 12 4590 1242
share tweet
(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

Fav 7 4817 1359
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

Fav 19 4331 1779
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.

Fav 7 1575 3610
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

Fav 22 1815 3648
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'

Fav 12 4910 1714
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

Fav 22 7630 1297
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt

Fav 12 3434 1112
share tweet