Texts From Last Night · JennyIsAnOwl's Favorites

Sorry From5ive5ive9 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

JennyIsAnOwl's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

Fav 31 5058 1140
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

Fav 182 22274 1460
share tweet

(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

Fav 7 4021 2219
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.

Fav 40 1048 3814
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can't watch pbs sober anymore

Fav 2 1172 735
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

Fav 9 4735 1630
share tweet

(214): View more from Texas

a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"

Fav 9 1439 5804
share tweet

(330): View more from Ohio

I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke

Fav 4 1054 2967
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

Fav 5 2162 3535
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

Fav 27 3983 1576
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

You smell like stripper and shame

Fav 26 3346 1377
share tweet

(714): View more from California

I would go down on you faster than GM stock

Fav 32 8070 1043
share tweet

(260): View more from Indiana

I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY

Fav 4 2422 949
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?

Fav 23 2073 5532
share tweet

(503): View more from Oregon

she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!

Fav 35 5280 870
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16036 4497
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome

Fav 15 4200 1979
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

Fav 23 5530 1423
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

Fav 34 5583 1859
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

Fav 14 7169 1606
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

Fav 32 13030 1341
share tweet
(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

Fav 56 5190 1211
share tweet
(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

Fav 11 1964 3580
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR

Fav 10 1173 5449
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

Fav 57 9520 1410
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.

Fav 15 3239 1265
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

Fav 23 8266 1671
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

Fav 9 6553 1276
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

Fav 10 3573 1183
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

Fav 52 1166 10666
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Fav 35 15844 1930
share tweet
(628): View more from California

i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me

Fav 40 2452 5115
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.

Fav 28 1112 5682
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

Fav 133 1996 5291
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

Fav 10 1638 2383
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

Fav 15 5884 1098
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall

Fav 32 5627 883
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

Fav 38 5965 4210
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.

Fav 11 4073 897
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

Fav 12 4753 1670
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

Fav 20 3980 1162
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

Fav 41 5671 1217
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

Fav 43 5637 1260
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!

Fav 7 1678 875
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

Fav 32 2384 5084
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

Fav 19 6090 1674
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

HIV tests are more positive than that guy

Fav 1 1332 1752
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I see lights

(512): View more from Texas

Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.

Fav 5 1678 867
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

Fav 61 11287 2285
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

Fav 46 5854 1740
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

Fav 40 2206 6953
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

Fav 10 6365 1506
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

Fav 13 1850 4160
share tweet
(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

Fav 104 1935 38702
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

Fav 17 980 3586
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

Fav 13 8398 1572
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

Fav 68 9868 1307
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

Fav 9 2604 991
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.

Fav 2 1113 1045
share tweet
(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

Fav 20 6979 2837
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

my mouth tastes like poor choices

Fav 29 1670 1190
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

Fav 31 1647 5402
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.

Fav 10 5585 1274
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.

Fav 17 1120 5123
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

Fav 13 4811 1537
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.

Fav 28 5172 1394
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life

Fav 11 3624 1110
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...

Fav 2 1976 832
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!

Fav 63 1404 8229
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

Fav 41 2752 5564
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

Fav 17 4551 896
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

Fav 20 9454 2165
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21536 1606
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

Fav 15 1684 4529
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

Fav 58 2105 4590
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.

Fav 2 1464 840
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

Fav 33 5786 1042
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

Fav 50 1715 5753
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.

Fav 105 1715 6713
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

Fav 65 7853 1642
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

Fav 18 4119 1219
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

This gyro tastes like lonliness

Fav 14 1153 4327
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

Fav 35 8667 1556
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame

Fav 14 1386 4497
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

Fav 83 11868 2384
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

Fav 34 8329 2179
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy

Fav 15 1575 2814
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

Fav 33 3472 1152
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

Fav 12 7087 966
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy

Fav 19 1917 3907
share tweet
(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

Fav 15 5679 1582
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

Fav 15 1923 4099
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

Fav 13 8184 1578
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

Fav 6 8397 1364
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Acid is not a monday night drug

Fav 44 2032 4521
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library

Fav 5 4255 1264
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23542 2200
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

Fav 27 5395 1451
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

You can't wash away shame.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I can try.

Fav 8 1681 892
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

Fav 29 7162 1693
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka

(231): View more from Michigan

the cocktail of hope

Fav 20 5411 1287
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

Fav 33 1278 8263
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

Fav 8 2651 990
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

Fav 28 21891 1633
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

Fav 24 6506 1542
share tweet
(343): View more from Ontario

No awkward lesbian experiences without me

Fav 3 1753 926
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

Fav 14 6993 1559
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker

Fav 36 1025 5539
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

Fav 2 2480 957
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen

Fav 20 2655 971
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.

Fav 11 1891 911
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

Fav 50 7969 1483
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

Fav 42 20811 1557
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.

Fav 12 1021 4272
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Fav 39 4475 886
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

Fav 81 9729 1937
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7944 2015
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

Fav 110 15205 1379
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.

Fav 15 3585 1417
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11580 1759
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

Fav 10 6007 1995
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

Fav 26 6803 1887
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Letd wlk him

(714): View more from California

Lrtd walek hime

(714): View more from California

Lets wlk home,,,ther we go

Fav 32 5364 1074
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

Worst stoner tragedy.

Fav 41 2184 6690
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.

Fav 10 3686 1769
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

Fav 9 3669 946
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

Fav 29 6856 1467
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

Fav 27 12124 1684
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party

Fav 35 2947 4494
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

Fav 16 2041 2887
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?

(1-770): View more from Georgia

you.

(770): View more from Georgia

oh yeah. preciate

Fav 7 1600 759
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

Fav 43 11738 1245
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

Fav 21 11461 1169
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

No. Take one for the team.

Fav 19 1475 4310
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

Fav 20 12002 1795
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

Fav 24 7976 1608
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

Fav 11 4009 2069
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

Fav 18 8814 1589
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

Fav 25 6166 3204
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light

Fav 9 934 2928
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

Fav 27 7192 1871
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

Fav 23 5747 1342
share tweet
(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

Fav 32 1045 6127
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

Fav 24 6084 1034
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.

Fav 14 6641 1120
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

Fav 43 10479 1198
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

Fav 64 9477 1678
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"

Fav 46 4338 1403
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face

Fav 38 4670 1701
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

Fav 17 5664 1054
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

Fav 40 29369 1554
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

Fav 17 6732 1441
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

Fav 10 1545 5949
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6600 2078
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.

Fav 21 1184 5500
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

Fav 11 5711 2264
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

Fav 48 8333 2402
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I haven't been this sober since birth.

Fav 15 1466 2975
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

Fav 47 14634 1810
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I murdered the dance floor call the cops

Fav 14 2635 976
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

Fav 12 8244 1768
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

Fav 58 1866 10123
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

Fav 32 6763 975
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

Fav 13 6583 1450
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

Fav 24 2143 4124
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

Fav 12 6408 1297
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.

Fav 38 6600 1097
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

Fav 30 9547 1509
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

Fav 43 3671 1307
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...

Fav 40 3963 1419
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.

Fav 5 949 3174
share tweet
(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

Fav 60 1526 6329
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

Fav 25 9771 1512
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

Fav 44 5785 1165
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

Fav 38 8362 1416
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

Fav 14 1702 4707
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

Fav 26 14205 1601
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

Fav 14 6381 1407
share tweet