Texts From Last Night · JennyIsAnOwl's Favorites

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JennyIsAnOwl's Favorites Texts:

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(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can't watch pbs sober anymore

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(214): View more from Texas

a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You smell like stripper and shame

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(714): View more from California

I would go down on you faster than GM stock

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(260): View more from Indiana

I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?

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(503): View more from Oregon

she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(419): View more from Ohio

apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome

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(510): View more from California

I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(804): View more from Virginia

no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(330): View more from Ohio

He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

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(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(628): View more from California

i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me

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(419): View more from Ohio

I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(586): View more from Michigan

just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(425): View more from Washington

got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(281): View more from Texas

what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(917): View more from New York City

HIV tests are more positive than that guy

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(254): View more from Texas

I see lights

(512): View more from Texas

Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(248): View more from Michigan

her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

my mouth tastes like poor choices

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

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(972): View more from Texas

**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.

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(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

This gyro tastes like lonliness

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(708): View more from Illinois

Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(419): View more from Ohio

your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(727): View more from Florida

hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(614): View more from Ohio

Acid is not a monday night drug

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(201): View more from New Jersey

if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You can't wash away shame.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I can try.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka

(231): View more from Michigan

the cocktail of hope

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(343): View more from Ontario

No awkward lesbian experiences without me

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(845): View more from New York

i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen

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(707): View more from California

Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(512): View more from Texas

no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(714): View more from California

Letd wlk him

(714): View more from California

Lrtd walek hime

(714): View more from California

Lets wlk home,,,ther we go

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

Worst stoner tragedy.

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(416): View more from Ontario

She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(801): View more from Utah

My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(770): View more from Georgia

honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?

(1-770): View more from Georgia

you.

(770): View more from Georgia

oh yeah. preciate

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

No. Take one for the team.

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(212): View more from New York

i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(507): View more from Minnesota

i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face

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(614): View more from Ohio

Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(216): View more from Ohio

i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I haven't been this sober since birth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(760): View more from California

Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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(954): View more from Florida

We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...

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(416): View more from Ontario

Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.

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(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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