Texts From Last Night · Karensantoro's Favorites

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Karensantoro's Favorites Texts:

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(209): View more from California

I can't put those talents on a resume

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(254): View more from Texas

She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?

(512): View more from Texas

Won't she run out of nose eventually?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.

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(925): View more from California

Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex

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(541): View more from Oregon

Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.

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(517): View more from Michigan

When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're the common denominator of my blackouts.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The paramedics were not my fault this time.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Are you alive?

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I woke up under the pier.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Still dying that you shit outside

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(925): View more from California

I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth

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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(404): View more from Georgia

I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.

(910): View more from North Carolina

That's what you say about everyone.

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(361): View more from Texas

Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.

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(773): View more from Illinois

The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.

(206): View more from Washington

I should have never moved out...

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(530): View more from California

hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back

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(708): View more from Illinois

was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?

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(650): View more from California

I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day

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(319): View more from Iowa

Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice

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(248): View more from Michigan

I immediately regret the tequila decision.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(231): View more from Michigan

whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

(1-231): View more from Michigan

we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(509): View more from Washington

If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die

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(404): View more from Georgia

I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce

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(416): View more from Toronto

How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?

(803): View more from South Carolina

You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away

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(204): View more from Manitoba

HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY

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(847): View more from Illinois

Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window

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(512): View more from Texas

dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?

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(478): View more from Georgia

How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses

(770): View more from Georgia

We'll talk about it later...

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(512): View more from Texas

Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you

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(805): View more from California

Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?

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(207): View more from Maine

We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.

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(906): View more from Michigan

too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.

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(956): View more from Texas

I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town

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(706): View more from Georgia

From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.

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(989): View more from Michigan

tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition

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(314): View more from Missouri

That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...

(860): View more from Connecticut

Tuesday

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We were destined to go to rehab together

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.

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(214): View more from Texas

Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight

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(972): View more from Texas

Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She needs sedatives and a leash

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You need Xanax blowdarts

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(909): View more from California

is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.

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(214): View more from Texas

I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower

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(305): View more from Florida

We have so much sex to catch up on

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?

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(607): View more from New York

eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.

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(469): View more from Texas

I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover

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(928): View more from Arizona

YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?

(1-928): View more from Arizona

...and?

(928): View more from Arizona

I hate when you're right.

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(562): View more from California

Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?

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(434): View more from Virginia

This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.

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(772): View more from Florida

I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."

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(404): View more from Georgia

I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I didn't notice because vodka

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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(614): View more from Ohio

You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.

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(816): View more from Missouri

God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?

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(415): View more from California

Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.

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(325): View more from Texas

So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.

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(903): View more from Texas

On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs

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(740): View more from Ohio

Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business

(314): View more from Missouri

Way to promote small business.

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(347): View more from New York

Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck

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(314): View more from Missouri

The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.

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(503): View more from Oregon

there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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(817): View more from Texas

Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.

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(716): View more from New York

please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.

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(315): View more from New York

WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...

(860): View more from Connecticut

the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you

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(312): View more from Illinois

Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year

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(850): View more from Florida

My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.

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(801): View more from Utah

You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Sounds like a good New Years

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(619): View more from California

I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.

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(312): View more from Illinois

2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.

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(818): View more from California

Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

(254): View more from Texas

It's 2 pm....

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(315): View more from New York

My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?

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(954): View more from Florida

in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.

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(510): View more from California

She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent

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(541): View more from Oregon

Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god

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(909): View more from California

It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me

(626): View more from California

And a merry methadone to all

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.

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(847): View more from Illinois

That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...

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(760): View more from California

You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.

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(310): View more from California

We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating

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(845): View more from New York

i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.

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(207): View more from Maine

Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.

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(845): View more from New York

Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready

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(512): View more from Texas

They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads

(1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

Croutons?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?

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(312): View more from Illinois

We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?

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(240): View more from Maryland

If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters

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(515): View more from Iowa

Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?

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(801): View more from Utah

When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.

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(516): View more from New York

Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.

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(914): View more from New York

Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.

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(631): View more from New York

I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!

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(254): View more from Texas

The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go

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(850): View more from Florida

The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We still going to Happy Hour

(201): View more from New Jersey

Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up

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(+61): View more from Australia

We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.

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(361): View more from Texas

I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.

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(917): View more from New York City

Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.

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(779): View more from Illinois

We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..

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(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We should reintroduce naked Mondays

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person

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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

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(352): View more from Florida

Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

that's how you measure success

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?

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(207): View more from Maine

I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(716): View more from New York

I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

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(210): View more from Texas

I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish

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(817): View more from Texas

Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.

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(251): View more from Alabama

PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.

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(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...

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(530): View more from California

My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed

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(619): View more from California

Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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(979): View more from Texas

I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.

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(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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(770): View more from Georgia

We have started to decorate penises.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

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(907): View more from Alaska

Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

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(503): View more from Oregon

You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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(563): View more from Iowa

So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!

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(915): View more from Texas

I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Bang-toberfest begins!!

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(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i have an important question...can you drink in jail?

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(602): View more from Arizona

The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI

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(719): View more from Colorado

I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

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(858): View more from California

I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You fucker.

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(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

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(760): View more from California

i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

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(510): View more from California

I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.

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(650): View more from California

Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more

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(818): View more from California

Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea

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(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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(224): View more from Illinois

Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

even the AIR tastes like tequila.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?

(718): View more from New York

See you tonight.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I need to hump something and I know u understand.

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(915): View more from Texas

Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

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(636): View more from Missouri

A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week

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(541): View more from Oregon

Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.

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(415): View more from California

Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?

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(540): View more from Virginia

He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...

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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

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(816): View more from Missouri

Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago

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(303): View more from Colorado

That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Did you fuck him in my garden last night?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.

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(248): View more from Michigan

When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The problem with that is that my car has been stolen

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(330): View more from Ohio

You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

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(917): View more from New York City

The cops raided her house the day before class even started

(1-917): View more from New York City

Those assholes are becoming so efficient

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...

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(907): View more from Alaska

I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gameday bitch. Man up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You are a booty call, not a friend.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

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(514): View more from Quebec

please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad

(1-613): View more from Ontario

I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.

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(205): View more from Alabama

WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour

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(734): View more from Michigan

We're using joints as your birthday candles

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.

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(303): View more from Colorado

they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You okay?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread

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(205): View more from Alabama

All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.

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(440): View more from Ohio

when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I've literally never felt worse

(203): View more from Connecticut

My body feels like its decomposing

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.

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(850): View more from Florida

I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...

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(913): View more from Kansas

just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.

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(636): View more from Missouri

PS: I just woke up from my shower

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.

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(917): View more from New York City

Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.

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(760): View more from California

If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(276): View more from Virginia

They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?

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(772): View more from Florida

When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out

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(816): View more from Missouri

So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?

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(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(850): View more from Florida

Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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(303): View more from Colorado

U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.

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(716): View more from New York

your facebook page is a work of drunk art.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher

(312): View more from Illinois

And maybe a life coach?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(707): View more from California

I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.

(303): View more from Colorado

God I adore you.

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(714): View more from California

I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?

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(210): View more from Texas

You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'

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(512): View more from Texas

I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.

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(818): View more from California

He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.

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(941): View more from Florida

He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show

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(415): View more from California

you should be awarded for your promiscuity.

(1-415): View more from California

i really should.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom

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