Texts From Last Night · LivingDestiny's Favorites

LivingDestiny's Favorites Texts:

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(954): View more from Florida

I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG

(972): View more from Texas

BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear

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(630): View more from Illinois

They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.

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(818): View more from California

I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We need a shit load of segways right now

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife

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(850): View more from Florida

So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street

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(406): View more from Montana

She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.

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(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm

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(509): View more from Washington

My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...

(206): View more from Washington

They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.

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(727): View more from Florida

You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs

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(719): View more from Colorado

Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me

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(540): View more from Virginia

I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

How did work go after you told them you were in jail?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Great they tried to bail me out.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird

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(817): View more from Texas

I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(407): View more from Florida

Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

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(619): View more from California

No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?

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(909): View more from California

I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

(1-909): View more from California

Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun

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(937): View more from Ohio

Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.

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(914): View more from New York

We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You have plans tonight?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on

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(613): View more from Ontario

Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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(078): View more from

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair

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(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.

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(707): View more from California

Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.

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(757): View more from Virginia

and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.

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(804): View more from Virginia

No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was the only guy who ever made me cry..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(315): View more from New York

don't pay it forward

(1-315): View more from New York

I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced

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(740): View more from Ohio

no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob

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(353): View more from

I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.

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(623): View more from Arizona

He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy

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(209): View more from California

Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months

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(305): View more from Florida

She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

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(707): View more from California

You rang?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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(812): View more from Indiana

If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours

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(330): View more from Ohio

if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions

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(207): View more from Maine

Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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(562): View more from California

Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time

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(434): View more from Virginia

For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(770): View more from Georgia

Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

(519): View more from Ontario

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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(360): View more from Washington

you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.

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(510): View more from California

in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.

(925): View more from California

he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!

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(831): View more from California

She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester

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(770): View more from Georgia

You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.

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(925): View more from California

I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

(1-925): View more from California

We just have a real special relationship.

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(206): View more from Washington

When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How did you even find out?

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

(973): View more from New Jersey

Oh.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.

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(515): View more from Iowa

you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm teaching my cat to play fetch

(678): View more from Georgia

Yep, it's a friday

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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(518): View more from New York

Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can't be the first without the last

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(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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(253): View more from Washington

Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.

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(585): View more from New York

we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

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(314): View more from Missouri

Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

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(253): View more from Washington

they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.

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(607): View more from New York

I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.

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(360): View more from Washington

Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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(713): View more from Texas

We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(209): View more from California

You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

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(510): View more from California

I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...

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(925): View more from California

and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.

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(586): View more from Michigan

you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer

(1-586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me change into clothes i can run in

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(760): View more from California

Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.

(1-760): View more from California

Party city is having a sale on maracas

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you had me at cake vodka

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(503): View more from Oregon

If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(108): View more from

Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly

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(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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(205): View more from Alabama

In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.

(205): View more from Alabama

But happy liver failure. That's what counts.

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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(925): View more from California

is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(925): View more from California

I hope this adventure ends at a hospital

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...

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(916): View more from California

Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

(970): View more from Colorado

Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

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(631): View more from New York

i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

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(410): View more from Maryland

They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.

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(206): View more from Washington

He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf

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(662): View more from Mississippi

There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.

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(925): View more from California

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

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(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(519): View more from Ontario

you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(925): View more from California

I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??

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(989): View more from Michigan

Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.

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(407): View more from Florida

Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better

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(512): View more from Texas

I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(765): View more from Indiana

We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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(443): View more from Maryland

I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.

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(207): View more from Maine

just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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(303): View more from Colorado

good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"

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(618): View more from Illinois

I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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(407): View more from Florida

Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.

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(408): View more from California

I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

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(217): View more from Illinois

i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(904): View more from Florida

the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

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(407): View more from Florida

I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already

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