Texts From Last Night · Logan

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Logan_Duke's Favorites Texts:

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(512): View more from Texas

I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(310): View more from California

If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.

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(315): View more from New York

Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really

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(937): View more from Ohio

as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..

(587): View more from Alberta

Wow. We're meant to be..

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(217): View more from Illinois

That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(937): View more from Ohio

When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(239): View more from Florida

He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(641): View more from Iowa

My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(607): View more from New York

he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

(313): View more from Michigan

at least he gets points for a creative booty call

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(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.

(678): View more from Georgia

I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home

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(541): View more from Oregon

This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

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(417): View more from Missouri

Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.

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(817): View more from Texas

Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(909): View more from California

I just didn't expect you to be so naked....

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(406): View more from Montana

I need a leather bustier to keep them in.

(925): View more from California

Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control

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(512): View more from Texas

We need to rekindle our bromance

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are so in love

(504): View more from Louisiana

so when's the next time you get to see your balls

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks

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(541): View more from Oregon

She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option

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(630): View more from Illinois

So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.

(319): View more from Iowa

You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.

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(226): View more from Ontario

can you blame him?

(519): View more from Ontario

i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT

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(432): View more from Texas

Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??

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(949): View more from California

You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish I could punch you in the face.

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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(614): View more from Ohio

Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.

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(316): View more from Kansas

This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(631): View more from New York

You only like me because I'm a challenge

(201): View more from New Jersey

You already blew me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

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(801): View more from Utah

We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."

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(310): View more from California

Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.

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(941): View more from Florida

I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

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(562): View more from California

that was a gay-test. you passed.

(1-562): View more from California

with flying rainbow colors i hope!

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(503): View more from Oregon

this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"

(541): View more from Oregon

dude.

(503): View more from Oregon

yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

it's love

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(805): View more from California

Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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(260): View more from Indiana

U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

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(312): View more from Illinois

Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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(862): View more from New Jersey

He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(773): View more from Illinois

We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below

(773): View more from Illinois

When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.

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(281): View more from Texas

okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.

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