Texts From Last Night · SadieCakes's Favorites

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SadieCakes's Favorites Texts:

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(775): View more from Nevada

He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances

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(513): View more from Ohio

I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.

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(916): View more from California

Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(905): View more from Ontario

It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

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(530): View more from California

Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me

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(619): View more from California

how did you know i stayed over last night?

(702): View more from Nevada

there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom

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(509): View more from Washington

This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.

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(619): View more from California

I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.

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(845): View more from New York

You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital

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(355): View more from

He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat

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(817): View more from Texas

You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.

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(716): View more from New York

Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

(315): View more from New York

Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.

(630): View more from Illinois

As weird as it sounds I would totally be down

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(760): View more from California

Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

(818): View more from California

That was one of the best texts I got today

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(813): View more from Florida

Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You went home with a man in a loincloth

(914): View more from New York

I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???

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(813): View more from Florida

I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake

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(425): View more from Washington

I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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(703): View more from Virginia

can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?

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(813): View more from Florida

IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk

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(410): View more from Maryland

You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"

(1-410): View more from Maryland

The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?

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(909): View more from California

I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

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(503): View more from Oregon

THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment

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(251): View more from Alabama

PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.

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(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.

(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like the Christmas morning of dicks

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(358): View more from

I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.

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(714): View more from California

She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Get you some cowboy.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.

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(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2

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(513): View more from Ohio

Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.

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(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(562): View more from California

I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas

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(979): View more from Texas

I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am

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(615): View more from Tennessee

On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless

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(775): View more from Nevada

Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

(513): View more from Ohio

Post that event on your timeline

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(914): View more from New York

The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

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(419): View more from Ohio

So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!

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(937): View more from Ohio

I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

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(914): View more from New York

Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.

(1-914): View more from New York

You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game

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(212): View more from New York

The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(707): View more from California

I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

(1-707): View more from California

You did like 8

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(515): View more from Iowa

im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo

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(450): View more from Quebec

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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(503): View more from Oregon

I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.

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(+36): View more from

until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.

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(561): View more from Florida

Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"

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(616): View more from Michigan

She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.

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(941): View more from Florida

My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date

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(989): View more from Michigan

I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

You did this to yourself.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time

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(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.

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(563): View more from Iowa

For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

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(904): View more from Florida

my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

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(714): View more from California

im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

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(907): View more from Alaska

You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog

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(718): View more from New York

I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.

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(760): View more from California

He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.

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(760): View more from California

I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

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(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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(563): View more from Iowa

The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with

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(347): View more from New York

i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...

(404): View more from Georgia

sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

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(954): View more from Florida

I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(607): View more from New York

wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager

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(214): View more from Texas

Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life

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(406): View more from Montana

We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god

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(703): View more from Virginia

I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.

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(443): View more from Maryland

THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.

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(858): View more from California

This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(210): View more from Texas

I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

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(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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(616): View more from Michigan

If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out

(417): View more from Missouri

You'd think the first few times would have been enough

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(319): View more from Iowa

Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season

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(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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(503): View more from Oregon

You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

Is that what happened to my face?!

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(585): View more from New York

He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(419): View more from Ohio

this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them

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(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.

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(904): View more from Florida

the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

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(315): View more from New York

That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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(540): View more from Virginia

You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.

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(512): View more from Texas

Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

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(785): View more from Kansas

They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

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(805): View more from California

It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese

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(239): View more from Florida

i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(951): View more from California

He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(361): View more from Texas

Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.

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(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

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(302): View more from Delaware

I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will

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(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there

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(513): View more from Ohio

She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.

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(419): View more from Ohio

There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.

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(518): View more from New York

The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?

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(775): View more from Nevada

Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.

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(434): View more from Virginia

This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.

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(845): View more from New York

I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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