Texts From Last Night · brit9991's Favorites

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(626): View more from California

AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN

(1-626): View more from California

we're fated to lesbian

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.

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(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life

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(540): View more from Virginia

Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.

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(530): View more from California

My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.

(916): View more from California

That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"

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(360): View more from Washington

Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?

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(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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(906): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

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(917): View more from New York City

KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best

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(213): View more from California

If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

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(707): View more from California

I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.

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(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?

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(817): View more from Texas

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(352): View more from Florida

This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.

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(917): View more from New York City

Anderson Cooper just came out.

(212): View more from New York

Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

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(415): View more from California

Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(424): View more from California

Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.

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(650): View more from California

At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(631): View more from New York

So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

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(718): View more from New York

He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(607): View more from New York

The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(916): View more from California

No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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(719): View more from Colorado

the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds

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(561): View more from Florida

This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!

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(559): View more from California

I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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(714): View more from California

I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.

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(325): View more from Texas

You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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(225): View more from Louisiana

We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl

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(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

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(802): View more from Vermont

stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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(404): View more from Georgia

It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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(219): View more from Indiana

They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college

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(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(440): View more from Ohio

uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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(765): View more from Indiana

Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(817): View more from Texas

Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(975): View more from Missouri

At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

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(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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(818): View more from California

Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.

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(845): View more from New York

Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

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(206): View more from Washington

..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(707): View more from California

I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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(518): View more from New York

College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.

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(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

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(309): View more from Illinois

with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(707): View more from California

then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"

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(801): View more from Utah

he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?

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(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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