Texts From Last Night · chryssie's Favorites

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chryssie's Favorites Texts:

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(313): View more from Michigan

Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?

(734): View more from Michigan

She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(302): View more from Delaware

I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn

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(619): View more from California

he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days

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(904): View more from Florida

SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(631): View more from New York

Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.

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(619): View more from California

I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got

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(301): View more from Maryland

Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime

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(757): View more from Virginia

And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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(310): View more from California

Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(419): View more from Ohio

mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(417): View more from Missouri

My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.

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(805): View more from California

just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.

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(303): View more from Colorado

GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(850): View more from Florida

OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.

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(954): View more from Florida

i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(503): View more from Oregon

why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?

(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know but we should still do that

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(530): View more from California

If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.

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(646): View more from New York

Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.

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(631): View more from New York

hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

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(650): View more from California

i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(334): View more from Alabama

I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

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(949): View more from California

i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

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(916): View more from California

If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.

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(510): View more from California

you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.

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(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(805): View more from California

Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters

(303): View more from Colorado

I can be that talented

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(718): View more from New York

They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(518): View more from New York

i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.

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(904): View more from Florida

i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

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(917): View more from New York City

She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

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(210): View more from Texas

"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?

(778): View more from British Columbia

Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.

(604): View more from British Columbia

Ohh that happened after I started to cry.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Did you fuck her?

(212): View more from New York

If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.

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(319): View more from Iowa

True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

(847): View more from Illinois

And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

(319): View more from Iowa

At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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(540): View more from Virginia

what do you have against ST

(1-540): View more from Virginia

DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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(813): View more from Florida

I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

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(914): View more from New York

Did I miss anything?

(1-914): View more from New York

A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.

(914): View more from New York

so we also did drugs

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

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(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(917): View more from New York City

last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks

(917): View more from New York City

this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed

(917): View more from New York City

he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?

(718): View more from New York

messed up. what color are the wings?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)

(512): View more from Texas

Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

(1-804): View more from Virginia

wow, that really makes you stop and think.

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(206): View more from Washington

Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes

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(574): View more from Indiana

Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(305): View more from Florida

I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

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(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting

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(904): View more from Florida

btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets

(1-904): View more from Florida

i wish i had your life

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(916): View more from California

I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(415): View more from California

I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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(708): View more from Illinois

i effin hate jeff goldbloom.

(708): View more from Illinois

but i totally would still bang him

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.

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(323): View more from California

Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!

(206): View more from Washington

Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...

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(253): View more from Washington

I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door

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(206): View more from Washington

i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man

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(804): View more from Virginia

You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.

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(813): View more from Florida

This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

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(619): View more from California

I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.

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(850): View more from Florida

Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff

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(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

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(661): View more from California

I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

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(949): View more from California

Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person

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(248): View more from Michigan

Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.

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