Texts From Last Night · deliciousxxambyy's Favorites

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(585): View more from New York

Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(410): View more from Maryland

you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

coke and sex party at dan's

(201): View more from New Jersey

im watching greys anatomy with megan...

(973): View more from New Jersey

wha-pishhh

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(201): View more from New Jersey

now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(513): View more from Ohio

You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.

(513): View more from Ohio

and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(210): View more from Texas

life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.

(210): View more from Texas

i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.

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(239): View more from Florida

I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(619): View more from California

he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

HOT DATE.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(845): View more from New York

She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils

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(703): View more from Virginia

bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(619): View more from California

reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy

(1-619): View more from California

sounds legit

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(205): View more from Alabama

it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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(512): View more from Texas

boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

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(301): View more from Maryland

There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(917): View more from New York City

she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(752): View more from California

i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

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(703): View more from Virginia

using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...

(1-702): View more from Nevada

ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal

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(712): View more from Iowa

I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

(1-317): View more from Indiana

yeah thats usually a good indication.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck

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(917): View more from New York City

the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(231): View more from Michigan

i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.

(1-620): View more from Kansas

No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

he should get drunk with us

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(301): View more from Maryland

My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.

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(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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