Texts From Last Night · forensicsgeek's Favorites

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(703): View more from Virginia

HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.

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(416): View more from Toronto

GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST

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(706): View more from Georgia

From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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(510): View more from California

Found an old burrito under my bed

(415): View more from California

You are a sick fuck

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(303): View more from Colorado

Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We were destined to go to rehab together

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

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(214): View more from Texas

Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight

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(613): View more from Ontario

Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.

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(209): View more from California

I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.

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(+47): View more from Norway

You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me

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(916): View more from California

My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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(831): View more from California

I won't be able to get a boner for a month

(916): View more from California

Challenge accepted.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land

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(410): View more from Maryland

You texted me a picture of your face along with #help

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(753): View more from

if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.

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(415): View more from California

It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.

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(425): View more from Washington

I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.

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(607): View more from New York

To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(909): View more from California

I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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(727): View more from Florida

This is John, I met you downtown last night.

(407): View more from Florida

Oh, ok.

(727): View more from Florida

This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me

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(407): View more from Florida

I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold

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(410): View more from Maryland

She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You are a booty call, not a friend.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gameday bitch. Man up.

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(904): View more from Florida

just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(206): View more from Washington

I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2

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(565): View more from

He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(760): View more from California

I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!

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(208): View more from Idaho

If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

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(949): View more from California

am i gonna have visuals on this?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

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(224): View more from Illinois

This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.

(309): View more from Illinois

Too low?

(224): View more from Illinois

Yes.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(435): View more from Utah

Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(770): View more from Georgia

You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."

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(310): View more from California

Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(310): View more from California

So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

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(281): View more from Texas

To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

(410): View more from Maryland

The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.

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(209): View more from California

Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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(904): View more from Florida

The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(330): View more from Ohio

sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

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(380): View more from Ohio

She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(360): View more from Washington

Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.

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(817): View more from Texas

Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.

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(760): View more from California

It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.

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(810): View more from Michigan

was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

how do you feel about lunch break shots ?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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(760): View more from California

She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.

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(443): View more from Maryland

THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

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(916): View more from California

nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(208): View more from Idaho

New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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