Texts From Last Night · m3gamu44ins's Favorites

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"

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(940): View more from Texas

She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(719): View more from Colorado

Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(315): View more from New York

This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID

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(651): View more from Minnesota

drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy

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(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(206): View more from Washington

She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

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(714): View more from California

Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

(440): View more from Ohio

Challenge Accepted

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.

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(216): View more from Ohio

there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(587): View more from Alberta

Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

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(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

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(847): View more from Illinois

This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

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(315): View more from New York

im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

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(213): View more from California

Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.

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(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(703): View more from Virginia

just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

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(646): View more from New York

Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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(619): View more from California

Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb

(209): View more from California

it's ELEVEN

(310): View more from California

thirty

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(224): View more from Illinois

She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(805): View more from California

peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(206): View more from Washington

Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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(804): View more from Virginia

VAGINAS EVERYWHERE

(804): View more from Virginia

they're staring at me

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(404): View more from Georgia

Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(304): View more from West Virginia

all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(360): View more from Washington

She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(360): View more from Washington

We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.

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(510): View more from California

I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

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(404): View more from Georgia

A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds

(404): View more from Georgia

She started it, but I totally finished it.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(214): View more from Texas

so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina

(214): View more from Texas

i got awkward and finally asked him what he said

(214): View more from Texas

he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(360): View more from Washington

I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

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(914): View more from New York

you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

(1-217): View more from Illinois

please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework

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(703): View more from Virginia

Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(440): View more from Ohio

she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?

(813): View more from Florida

Nah, just masturbating louder

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(214): View more from Texas

I am SOOO high

(830): View more from Texas

tell me about your high

(214): View more from Texas

HUGE THUMBTACKS

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