Texts From Last Night · mzbitch's Favorites

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mzbitch's Favorites Texts:

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(858): View more from California

If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.

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(951): View more from California

ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP

(1-951): View more from California

Have fun and good luck.

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(613): View more from Ontario

MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.

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(702): View more from Nevada

listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on

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(720): View more from Colorado

The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake

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(571): View more from Virginia

All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.

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(415): View more from California

how drunk are you?

(469): View more from Texas

Several

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.

(248): View more from Michigan

I was...perplexed.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

These tits shall not be calmed

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(404): View more from Georgia

You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.

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(512): View more from Texas

i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream

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(435): View more from Utah

All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.

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(740): View more from Ohio

so he's a sleeptalker.

(614): View more from Ohio

yeah??

(740): View more from Ohio

"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.

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(647): View more from Ontario

She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.

(416): View more from Toronto

This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy

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(419): View more from Ohio

dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.

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(+10): View more from

What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration

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(847): View more from Illinois

it's unicorns you uncultured swine

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(845): View more from New York

He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I cuddled with a man named Pickles

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone

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(727): View more from Florida

I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.

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(646): View more from New York

I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress

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(256): View more from Alabama

Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

you suck at sexting

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information

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(515): View more from Iowa

There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard

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(256): View more from Alabama

Terrible idea I love it

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(905): View more from Ontario

I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.

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(315): View more from New York

There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.

(315): View more from New York

Send help.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.

(713): View more from Texas

You always say the most romantic things

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(512): View more from Texas

We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.

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(951): View more from California

You danced?!

(714): View more from California

I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp

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(647): View more from Ontario

It's okay, big boobs are better than running.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy

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(714): View more from California

At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.

Fav 2 429 185
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(256): View more from Alabama

An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.

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(415): View more from California

I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED

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(630): View more from Illinois

Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.

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(757): View more from Virginia

the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.

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(818): View more from California

I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.

(818): View more from California

Turns out it's a fake number.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015

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(518): View more from New York

I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!

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(210): View more from Texas

did you know gatorade and rum go really good together

(1-210): View more from Texas

Are you doing depressed science again

(210): View more from Texas

maybe

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(515): View more from Iowa

But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.

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(510): View more from California

My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.

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(512): View more from Texas

Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude

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(678): View more from Georgia

She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.

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(905): View more from Ontario

My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up

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(650): View more from California

You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.

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(212): View more from New York

I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...

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(727): View more from Florida

I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I get a little bitchy. We all know that

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"

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(618): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life

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(618): View more from Illinois

You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities

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(360): View more from Washington

I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?

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(512): View more from Texas

I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(940): View more from Texas

The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(979): View more from Texas

Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Mom said you looked used

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(949): View more from California

I have no words

(951): View more from California

Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

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(315): View more from New York

I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus

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(614): View more from Ohio

Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.

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(239): View more from Florida

i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(440): View more from Ohio

The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles

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(708): View more from Illinois

i dedicated my morning wood to you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(714): View more from California

He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?

(1-334): View more from Alabama

You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.

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(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.

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(707): View more from California

she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you want 1 or 2 eggos?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(571): View more from Virginia

She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.

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