Texts From Last Night · n2mystical1's Favorites

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n2mystical1's Favorites Texts:

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(440): View more from Ohio

Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.

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(646): View more from New York

Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.

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(716): View more from New York

That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(905): View more from Ontario

today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"

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(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

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(714): View more from California

A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.

(1-714): View more from California

YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(845): View more from New York

mondays should just be called national damage control day

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

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(207): View more from Maine

Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away

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(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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(972): View more from Texas

honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa

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(916): View more from California

Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

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(914): View more from New York

Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.

(1-914): View more from New York

You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

(352): View more from Florida

Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(626): View more from California

I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards

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(801): View more from Utah

I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(613): View more from Ontario

No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.

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(561): View more from Florida

You drink too much

(1-561): View more from Florida

No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...

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(507): View more from Minnesota

drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

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(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

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(631): View more from New York

conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.

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(907): View more from Alaska

frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better

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(310): View more from California

Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(209): View more from California

I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

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(310): View more from California

I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.

(773): View more from Illinois

Stop texting me, I'm right here.

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(818): View more from California

Its about making memories worth repressing

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month

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(773): View more from Illinois

I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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(936): View more from Texas

Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.

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(916): View more from California

So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.

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(317): View more from Indiana

honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.

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(917): View more from New York City

I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(972): View more from Texas

P.S. I can't hear my feet

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(703): View more from Virginia

just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

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(214): View more from Texas

so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings

(1-214): View more from Texas

dont u have athletes foot?

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(206): View more from Washington

Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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(325): View more from Texas

That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am full of burrito and curiosity

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?

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(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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(559): View more from California

kristin has been a bad kristin

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness

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(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(206): View more from Washington

Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(607): View more from New York

I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(858): View more from California

my life trainwreck boards at 9:30

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(760): View more from California

What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?

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(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(912): View more from Georgia

I swear god or herbie drove my car home

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(802): View more from Vermont

My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college

(516): View more from New York

is she hot?

(802): View more from Vermont

She is now

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(251): View more from Alabama

I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed

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