Texts From Last Night · red_geisha's Favorites

Sorry jessielynn713 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

red_geisha's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(205): View more from Alabama

My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT

Fav 11 931 2540
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.

Fav 2 1349 692
share tweet

(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

Fav 13 4975 1198
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

Fav 10 3764 1056
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.

Fav 2 3066 1039
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

Fav 14 3138 1297
share tweet

(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

Fav 2 5395 1184
share tweet

(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5323 9044
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?

Fav 11 1558 1030
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.

Fav 8 3066 1102
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.

Fav 5 1699 1639
share tweet

(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

Fav 13 3237 1243
share tweet

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

Fav 9 3553 943
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

Fav 5 1388 2099
share tweet

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

Fav 20 5196 1144
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

Fav 3 5274 1090
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.

Fav 9 3083 1075
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

Fav 16 1157 2168
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.

Fav 3 1718 900
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.

Fav 11 1136 2810
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

Fav 21 3976 1049
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

Fav 9 3497 1544
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

Fav 6 2870 1287
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Cats found the secret coke stash again

(519): View more from Ontario

They owe us $80.

Fav 11 2344 1751
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.

Fav 6 3088 996
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.

Fav 19 1089 4739
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

Fav 27 4963 1822
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.

Fav 15 898 1779
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

Fav 9 3534 967
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

Fav 19 3999 1064
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.

Fav 4 1836 802
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

Fav 18 3323 1384
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.

(1-518): View more from New York

Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.

Fav 5 2707 1164
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.

Fav 17 3009 1069
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed

(425): View more from Washington

Yeah, that sounds like my life.

Fav 5 2422 989
share tweet
(408): View more from California

He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!

Fav 14 2545 836
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.

Fav 4 1972 1664
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.

Fav 8 2190 992
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.

Fav 5 1053 3144
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.

Fav 7 1143 2048
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.

Fav 7 3450 820
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

Fav 6 3540 1129
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.

Fav 6 1730 999
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

Fav 11 3864 1052
share tweet
(530): View more from California

She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

Fav 5 3595 895
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.

Fav 4 2395 799
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?

Fav 3 1396 966
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.

Fav 10 3545 971
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Blood and glitter go together right?

Fav 9 1686 1064
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

Fav 21 4676 1245
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?

Fav 9 1953 826
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

Fav 17 4652 1298
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

Fav 21 11979 1408
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

Fav 47 5481 1344
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

Fav 18 5235 1353
share tweet
(377): View more from

I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"

Fav 9 2615 1132
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance

Fav 12 3627 776
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

Fav 18 10393 1269
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.

Fav 20 5959 925
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

Fav 17 5027 1621
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

Fav 9 4443 1246
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

Fav 39 2331 13040
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

Fav 5 3103 1092
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

Fav 9 4362 1041
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

Fav 2 2402 1878
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning

Fav 6 1367 1866
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

Fav 9 1927 2140
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...

Fav 6 1037 2073
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.

Fav 6 997 2002
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's got a legit dose of dude going on

(240): View more from Maryland

No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

Fav 7 1234 2135
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

That bitch ruined vodka saturday

Fav 6 893 2107
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT

Fav 4 1215 2249
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA

Fav 6 1146 2358
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.

Fav 7 1524 2318
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...

Fav 6 1126 2796
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.

Fav 5 940 2455
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.

Fav 10 1187 2654
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack

Fav 6 1190 2625
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

Fav 7 1389 2793
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...

Fav 9 1286 2800
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

Fav 6 1632 3020
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

Fav 8 4189 982
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

Fav 3 4213 1025
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

Fav 6 4441 1253
share tweet
(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

Fav 13 4522 1200
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

Fav 19 4829 1110
share tweet
(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

Fav 10 4686 1229
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

Fav 10 5571 1267
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

Fav 15 6988 1442
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

Fav 12 6393 1307
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

Fav 20 2572 1311
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

Fav 47 14632 1810
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

Fav 75 14749 2281
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

Fav 60 14446 1337
share tweet
(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

Fav 22 14761 1537
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

Fav 25 15049 1717
share tweet
(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

Fav 23 14808 1605
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15147 3443
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.

(812): View more from Indiana

I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?

Fav 25 14583 1150
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

Fav 35 15048 1813
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

Fav 25 14582 1254
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

Fav 30 15357 1683
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15629 1739
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15472 2160
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

Fav 131 14933 3471
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

Fav 25 15097 2081
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

Fav 41 15399 1598
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Fav 34 16508 1559
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

Fav 32 15624 1191
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

Fav 35 16093 1273
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

Fav 39 16043 1250
share tweet
(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

Fav 52 16747 2241
share tweet
(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

Fav 45 16140 2233
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

Fav 191 16688 2800
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

Fav 52 18006 1706
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

Fav 17 17652 1576
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19142 1551
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

Fav 36 18663 1506
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

Fav 42 18333 1445
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

Fav 65 18031 1278
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18221 2405
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

Fav 51 18893 1734
share tweet

red_geisha's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

Quick! While no one's looking

Click this little button for TFLN texts and updates

We also send dope emails