Texts From Last Night · road2nowhere's Favorites

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...

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(440): View more from Ohio

Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.

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(904): View more from Florida

But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

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(239): View more from Florida

Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.

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(207): View more from Maine

cocks speak louder than words, as they say

(914): View more from New York

Nobody says that.

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(850): View more from Florida

Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

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(407): View more from Florida

Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(865): View more from Tennessee

God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(207): View more from Maine

He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.

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(714): View more from California

You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober

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(304): View more from West Virginia

NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You need to be more adventurous.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(561): View more from Florida

I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

(314): View more from Missouri

Come down off the roof.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sex on roller skates

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Floating mattress

(301): View more from Maryland

Tie

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(623): View more from Arizona

Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts

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(402): View more from Nebraska

you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls

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(503): View more from Oregon

I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Ugh he's texting me.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.

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(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

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(559): View more from California

Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(850): View more from Florida

There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Wait. Someome brought slutcake?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He won't sleep with me again until I commit...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a Thursday.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm sorry my penis didn't work

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(404): View more from Georgia

there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his

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(936): View more from Texas

You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(903): View more from Texas

Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(315): View more from New York

I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i think i left a case of beer in your dryer

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup

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(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide

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(905): View more from Toronto

You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...

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(707): View more from California

tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I heard you threw up in your lap?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I heard that too.

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(712): View more from Iowa

He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

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(253): View more from Washington

In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

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(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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(909): View more from California

I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...

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(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.

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(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

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(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(407): View more from Florida

he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

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(925): View more from California

At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(701): View more from North Dakota

how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!

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(818): View more from California

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

(626): View more from California

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(214): View more from Texas

hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

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(631): View more from New York

judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.

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(916): View more from California

rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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