Texts From Last Night · shawn

Sorry iitzzilk hasn't picked any favorites yet.

shawn_87's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

Fav 18 3737 1258
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.

Fav 7 1114 1845
share tweet

(602): View more from Arizona

You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

Fav 7 2299 950
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.

Fav 13 2183 920
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?

Fav 11 1544 1024
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

Fav 6 3839 1000
share tweet

(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

Fav 5 2006 870
share tweet

(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

Fav 10 3289 1835
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

Fav 20 7262 1219
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

Fav 33 7216 1613
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

Fav 6 3176 890
share tweet

(615): View more from Tennessee

...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT

Fav 4 1215 2248
share tweet

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick

Fav 6 2553 1043
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

Fav 4 3178 1021
share tweet

(559): View more from California

And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"

Fav 12 1480 2950
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

Fav 9 2457 1284
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.

Fav 6 2630 1197
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.

Fav 8 1377 2104
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

Fav 13 4841 1202
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

Fav 10 2821 1396
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.

Fav 3 1284 2110
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities

Fav 10 2808 989
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.

Fav 1 1943 1012
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?

Fav 3 2051 1381
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

Fav 8 3008 978
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

Fav 11 1497 2162
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.

Fav 1 1876 1002
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

Fav 5 2972 1187
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

Fav 12 4216 1235
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.

Fav 6 1843 1306
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

Fav 14 4980 1471
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

Fav 17 2240 2680
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone

Fav 5 1195 2138
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.

Fav 7 2825 1862
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

Fav 14 7886 1388
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

Fav 8 3806 941
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there

Fav 16 3093 1205
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time

Fav 3 783 2505
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5755 1340
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

Fav 21 1813 5272
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.

Fav 6 2811 1280
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.

Fav 4 2572 955
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

Fav 21 5926 1804
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

Fav 17 1269 3899
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

Fav 11 4465 1538
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.

Fav 7 3059 1368
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me

Fav 6 2675 942
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

Fav 7 1372 5099
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

Fav 8 2564 1001
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....

Fav 9 3032 1076
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

Fav 7 5331 1098
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

Fav 6 4218 1063
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.

Fav 8 3756 1191
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

Fav 4 2438 1314
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.

Fav 13 2934 937
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light

Fav 7 1696 2169
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

Fav 10 3785 1728
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

Fav 10 6028 1092
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.

Fav 4 3452 1013
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

Fav 10 3433 1122
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating

Fav 12 2674 1165
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?

Fav 9 1215 5627
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday

Fav 12 3562 1444
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.

Fav 17 3991 1746
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

Fav 31 4656 1486
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.

Fav 4 2717 1298
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

Fav 31 7810 1631
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.

Fav 20 1581 4012
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

Fav 8 4571 1316
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...

Fav 14 1349 4730
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

Fav 22 5431 2011
share tweet
(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

Fav 19 4577 1997
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

Fav 20 4699 2324
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.

Fav 8 3665 1161
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am

Fav 21 1582 3877
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

Fav 9 6711 1338
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

Fav 4 3300 1740
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

Fav 10 3305 1298
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.

Fav 10 3044 1392
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.

Fav 6 980 4308
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

Fav 26 9834 1406
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.

Fav 16 4748 1150
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

Fav 81 17405 3209
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

Fav 35 15048 1813
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.

Fav 25 4404 2980
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.

Fav 5 3979 1058
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.

Fav 20 3889 1597
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

Fav 5 1682 4007
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

Fav 49 3275 5498
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

Fav 16 7773 1324
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

Fav 9 5068 1334
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.

Fav 8 2123 1794
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

Fav 18 5160 1417
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

Fav 11 4410 1243
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

Fav 17 1535 5935
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

Fav 11 7275 1278
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

Fav 6 3980 1340
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

Fav 28 8564 1745
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.

Fav 5 4541 1229
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

Fav 14 3561 1363
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

Fav 17 9868 1514
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

Fav 1 2826 1294
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"

Fav 16 1448 3871
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.

Fav 19 1857 4240
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

Fav 19 4175 1885
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

Fav 10 1756 3380
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.

Fav 23 6647 1516
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

Fav 15 2050 5018
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.

Fav 10 2374 1362
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.

Fav 13 3723 1126
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.

Fav 8 1351 3166
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

Fav 12 5538 2083
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

Fav 16 5034 1198
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

Fav 13 1698 3975
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

Fav 33 4531 1739
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me

Fav 6 1080 3168
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.

Fav 8 3211 1032
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

Fav 15 7400 1221
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.

Fav 19 1348 3969
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

Fav 15 4287 1798
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

Fav 30 5718 1734
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.

Fav 13 3919 1504
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

Fav 10 3943 1677
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.

Fav 7 3441 1009
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.

Fav 13 1709 2618
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?

Fav 10 2949 1266
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

Fav 12 1539 4291
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.

Fav 10 3304 1391
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

Fav 20 2345 3985
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.

Fav 19 1432 5711
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

Fav 15 5959 1630
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

Fav 22 9104 1245
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

Fav 34 5690 1400
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea

Fav 4 1836 1655
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.

Fav 2 2747 902
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

Fav 36 7019 1161
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

Fav 20 7434 1243
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

Fav 18 3758 1881
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think you may want to look into that...

Fav 5 1223 3149
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?

Fav 5 4013 1186
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

Fav 17 1316 6486
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

Fav 12 4045 1996
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

Fav 13 3211 1475
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

Fav 30 7438 1260
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

Fav 13 5297 1198
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

Fav 8 1550 2537
share tweet
(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

Fav 14 4320 1592
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.

Fav 4 1589 2745
share tweet
(420): View more from

then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"

Fav 8 2170 1691
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

Fav 11 5104 2360
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.

Fav 8 4008 2580
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

Fav 30 6382 2013
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.

Fav 4 1493 3200
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

Fav 9 5119 1174
share tweet
(408): View more from California

He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina

Fav 27 1319 9148
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

Fav 9 6175 2087
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name

Fav 3 3342 1019
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.

Fav 6 3966 1102
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.

Fav 2 3194 1018
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

Fav 21 1682 5082
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

Fav 10 5972 1451
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy

Fav 17 1179 6209
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time

Fav 1 2500 1057
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys

Fav 2 2654 1195
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.

Fav 14 3928 1273
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

Fav 14 8353 2005
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

Fav 5 1620 3214
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?

Fav 9 1296 3569
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

Fav 17 4143 2414
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

Fav 8 1743 3525
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?

Fav 7 1261 4100
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

Fav 54 7437 1366
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

Fav 15 7528 1244
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

Fav 45 9488 3068
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..

Fav 15 4450 1483
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard

Fav 10 1338 3498
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

Fav 10 5132 1225
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

Fav 8 6171 1348
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

Fav 18 8003 1554
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine

Fav 20 5890 1388
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

Fav 20 2199 4627
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...

Fav 15 3909 1236
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

Fav 20 1182 5108
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.

Fav 12 1847 3997
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.

Fav 9 1847 4483
share tweet