People with herpes should wear stickers.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
