I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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