My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
