nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
