I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
A+ Viking dick
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
