Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
