You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
