Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
