Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
