I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
