hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
