I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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