It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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