We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize