I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
