When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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