# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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