drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am available for nakedness
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
