I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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