the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
