Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
