dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
