I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize