Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
