How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
