sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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