Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
